I have avoided the wednesday weekday mass at seven pm and the friday mass at seven pm because I have worried that I will appear overly concerned with the social aspect of church and that my over concern will specifically register with people who are both patient and generous company. on wednesdays I have opted for the twelve pm mass, but on fridays I simply avoid it altogether (work prevents me from attending the 12pm mass). from now on I will go to the wednesday weekday mass because I am interested in the company, there I admit it. and on fridays I'll stop avoiding the man I just learned is about to become a dominican friar. his friar ship, which will begin shortly, has proven that I have little time to rectify this and that he probably really doesn't mind me that much - unless he's going mendicant just to avoid me lol. and after I began this post, I remembered that the second person I was concerned about had specifically mentioned wanting more community.
a puppy concert crusher sort of meme plex sort of state(sic), but the act of wanting to speak to these people doesn't strike me as terribly crushed (christian) when i'm not doing any of the things god has pretty explictly i think told me to do or at least bring up to a father
OHMYLOLZ. He wasn't even there lol. waved at a really nice older couple though. I also formed the smaller sign of the cross for the first time despite not knowing how to do it = IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO EZ 2 HAVE LEARNED BY NOW and after working at the courage for a few hours, I also messaged an old friend on instagram, but claimed that the reason why I hadn't spoken up to that point was because there wasn't a FOSS of reaching him. I'm slightly embarrassed about having spent much of the conversation simply describing random terms to him - like rss. and the first thing he said to me, revealed that the impression that he'd accurately formed of me seven years ago was deeply incorrect now, but I still played into it as a social lubricant and form of cowardice. aside from that I spent the day recording myself reading luke smith copy pastas, learning about digital which mayura after repeatedly seeing images of her on my anime list profile pictures, epic images, and many other places but mostly have been too intimidated or i guess just unconcerned with understanding things, I feel like everything is literally sanrio, as in if I think something looks cool and suggests that a person knows about something cool its actually literally just a thing which looks cool and nothing else and after learning that it just seems totally baseless and pointless. perhaps this conception of sanrio is only meaningful two people who like me saw lots of people with kuromi pictures and assumed it was some deep epic thing and then were totally disillusioned the first time they entered an american mall = side note, i also just learned what the bury nice girl was about and again i always just assumed that its intense power relied upon knowledge i was not privy to rather than the image itself just being intensely powerful
I don't live ever really. I JUST GET SO UPSET WHEN I LOOK BACK ON MYSELF NOT HAVING DONE ANYTHING. I want 2 do 1 fearful thing a day. RIGHT? I mean in a year that has 2 work. At that rate in a year ill be fine. Everything will be gone, today i went 2 friday 7pm mass and messaged that guy. Smth like that everyday and in a year ill be fixed and actually living.